Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Failing



This should be a happy time...but I can't get there. Today has been completely awful and it is only 10:30am. I can't even begin to explain what I am feeling, overwhelmed, exhausted, angry, misunderstood...I guess that might sum it up. I've been rocking a little boy to sleep for the past hour because he's been screaming and I just can't wrap my mind around how I am supposed to do everything. Mike is home for the next couple days and while I think that this should be a blessing-maybe I can get something done without having to juggle kids, diapers, breakfast...this is not the case. In fact it's like adding in an extra kid. So then we fight, a lot. All I wanted was a couple minutes to fix my blog layout that I screwed up last night. It was late and I was tired, so I said screw it, I'll fix it tomorrow. So this morning as I was attempting to fix it, kids woke up and wanted breakfast, Mike was laying on the couch watching TV. But it was me, who got up and started breakfast. I probably sound like a selfish wife...but really? This is just the tip of the iceburg.

The kids are crazy and whiny because of course they are off schedule. For the past 4 days we have been across the country five million times, nap times have not existed and meals have been not quite right, add in a million presents, sugar and we are bound to have a bad day today. Knowing this though, I still get frustrated.

I love my husband, but on days like this, it is incredibly hard. As I put laundry into the washing machine I noticed the bag of wrapping paper on the floor...the bag that should've went out with the recycling this morning. The bad that was sitting right beside the blue box. As I yell out the door to Mike to hurry and get it in the box, I get no response....why? Dunno...him and Gray have disappeared. Thanks for telling me you were leaving. So here I am sitting, taking advantage of time alone, when I should be cleaning up this chaotic aftermath of Christmas. But I wanted to sit here and not explain why I am on the computer, yet again.

Which brings up another area that I feel so overwhelmed with. My blogging. I love it. I love it so much that I want to so it all day! I know that this is not possible so I try and schedule in time to do it, usually in the evenings or during nap time. Unfortunately, this time gets shorter and shorter for some reason. I am not sure how I am supposed to succeed at something when I clearly have no time for anything. I'm a crappy mom when I blog, I'm a crappy blogger when I have to be a mom, and I seem to be a crappy wife all the time because I can't commit 100% to anything.

So should I give up blogging? I hope not. I would like to see this become some sort of an income in the near future as I will be coming off mat leave in 4 months. Which means no income. Which means that unless I get my butt in gear (not sure I could get any faster), I will be handing out resumes to find a crap ass minimum wage job to come up with an extra $600 a month just so we balance. Which means I won't be with my kids, I will be paying someone else to look after them. I will be re-entering the work force after being at a full time steady job, that I loved for 6 years.

I would love to make a go at this blogging/Etsy thing but I don't know how to get there. Not having support from someone you love makes it incredibly hard. Although they say the support is there, why is it so difficult for me to see?

I had big plans for this blog for 2012. Right now they seem like far away dreams though...

Sorry I'm such a downer, I just had to get some of these feelings out. It probably doesn't even make sense. I just feel like a big ball of poo. Hopefully I can get back on track, but for now I am going to be taking a little hiatus until the New Year. I think that in order to figure things out my computer has to shut off, my pretty little blog makeover will be left in an unfinished mess and my inbox will over flow with emails. But it has to be done. I will get back to each and every one of you, I promise. Don't worry sponsors, I will get your ads up in time for January and for the rest of you, I will be back, and better then ever...:) Cross your fingers for me.


10 comments:

Christina said...

Hugs. No advice on making money, but I wanted to say you are not a selfish wife. I get pretty damn irritated with my husband too for not stepping up when he should. Big hugs.

Digger said...

Oh My!! I could have written this post WORD FOR WORD!!! I am in the exact same boat! Probably the captain of it at this point. Hubs is home for the week and it's just added one more thing on my ever growing To-Do list. Goodness, if you ever want to talk, or need somebody to vent to who understands you COMPLETELY! email me, I'll even give you my number if you'd like. I am serious! I'm right there with you!!! Hold on! And good luck!!

Digger

Tonia @ TheGunnySack.com said...

Hey sweetie...hang in there! I think every mom knows exactly how you feel! I think men and women think about things so differently. As far as making money blogging, I am a member of Collective Bias and I LOVE them! They are currently recruiting Canadian bloggers so I can refer you to one of the community leaders and speed up the acceptance process! Let me know if you want more information about Collective Bias and if it is something you would be interested in.
~Tonia

Brooke said...

I'm so sorry that you're having a hard time! You are not selfish. We all have days like that. And good for you for prioritizing and taking those steps to get everything straightened out. You go girl!

Karly said...

Aww, Lish, I am right there with you! Rudy always tells me he supports what I'm doing, but when I'm doing it I always seem to be in trouble for not paying attention to him or the kids. And he does the same thing: he sits in front of the TV playing video games and waits, or he'll say "I'll get that when I finish this round" or whatever, but then the round takes like twenty minutes and by then I've already got it done!

And I think we all go through these moments where we start to question everything we've been working so hard to achieve. But all I can say is just keep pushing forward. Even if in the end you have to take a job, don't stop doing what you're doing, because even if you only have 20 minutes in an entire week to do the thing you love, DO IT. Those 20 minutes will still help push forward your dream so that one day you can tell that other job to shove it!

You've come so far already, don't stop, and don't apologize for doing what you love. Lots of Hugs and Good Luck!

Jen said...

Thank you for writing this post. Don't feel bad at all. In fact, many of my days as a mom are like this and the frustration with husbands is the same too. Hang in there. YOu can't do it all, but I get wanting to!

Alyx said...

1. You are not selfish! Don't even feel that way. You deserve some ME time!
2. Husbands can be a pain, but in a day or two, you'll remember why you put up with him. :)
3. You should take a day off. Don't worry about kids, husband, cleaning, blogging, anything. Just go out somewhere. Explain to the husband that you need some alone time, so you're going to be gone for 5 or 6 hours. Go get a massage, haircut, your nails done, shop, do some photography, whatever... just do what YOU WANT for a few hours. You will feel so much better afterward.
4. You can do it! Everyone starts off somewhere. Just look at how much your blog has grown in the past few months. As you continue to grow, you will get more exposure for your etsy shop. It's all a matter of time. And four months?! Psh, girl... you got this!
5. If all else fails.... sleep. Sleep always makes everything better. :)
If you need anything, let me know!! I know there's not much I can do halfway across the world, but hey - I've got ears if you need to vent some more! lol

Deidre~ said...

Dont beat yourself up kiddo I think you just posted what many of us are feeling:) Try and take care of you first and the rest will fall into place,easier said than done but in time you'll see.Deidre~[thanks for your honesty]

Angela @ The Not So Functional Housewife said...

It's tough and I know exactly where you are coming from. It's hard to find a balance between them all. I've learned to just relax, do what needs to be done and the rest will follow.

*Hugs*

~Angela
The Not So Functional Housewife

Tiaras & Bow Ties - Think Smink said...

You took the words right outta my mouth babe! Blogger/Mother/Wife... don't quite have any great advice to offer you, especially the stay home make money on etsy part. Wish I could offer you some life changing advice, really really wish I could. Seems like alot of us are looking for the same thing. The best thing I can do is to offer the same bit of info to you as I have to myself...

Don't give up. Be the best mommy you can be, but sometimes that can mean PB & J for lunch, dirty faces, undone laundry and such, as long as no one gets hurt it's a good day!

Blog because you love it, blog because you have something to share... if it's meant to be, the money will follow in due time.

Prayers for you sent thata way! Take your break, we will all be here when you get back. by the way, we all feel like poo balls once in a while!
kim