This should be a happy time...but I can't get there. Today has been completely awful and it is only 10:30am. I can't even begin to explain what I am feeling, overwhelmed, exhausted, angry, misunderstood...I guess that might sum it up. I've been rocking a little boy to sleep for the past hour because he's been screaming and I just can't wrap my mind around how Iam supposed to do everything. Mike is home for the next couple days and while I think that this should be a blessing-maybe I can get something done without having to juggle kids, diapers, breakfast...this is not the case. In fact it's like adding in an extra kid. So then we fight,a lot.All I wanted was a couple minutes to fix my blog layout that I screwed up last night. It was late and I was tired, so I said screw it, I'll fix it tomorrow. So this morning as I was attempting to fix it, kids woke up and wanted breakfast, Mike was laying on the couch watching TV. But it was me, who got up and started breakfast. I probably sound like a selfish wife...but really? This is just the tip of the iceburg.
The kids are crazy and whiny because of course they are off schedule. For the past 4 days we have been across the country five million times, nap times have not existed and meals have been not quite right, add in a million presents, sugar and we are bound to have a bad day today. Knowing this though, I still get frustrated.
I love my husband, but on days like this, it is incredibly hard. As I put laundry into the washing machine I noticed the bag of wrapping paper on the floor...the bag that should've went out with the recycling this morning. The bad that was sitting right beside the blue box. As I yell out the door to Mike to hurry and get it in the box, I get no response....why? Dunno...him and Gray have disappeared. Thanks for telling me you were leaving. So here I am sitting, taking advantage of time alone, when I should be cleaning up this chaotic aftermath of Christmas. But I wanted to sit here and not explain why I am on the computer, yet again.
Which brings up another area that I feel so overwhelmed with. My blogging. I love it. I love it so much that I want to so it all day! I know that this is not possible so I try and schedule in time to do it, usually in the evenings or during nap time. Unfortunately, this time gets shorter and shorter for some reason. I am not sure how I am supposed to succeed at something when I clearly have no time for anything. I'm a crappy mom when I blog, I'm a crappy blogger when I have to be a mom, and I seem to be a crappy wife all the time because I can't commit 100% to anything.
So should I give up blogging? I hope not. I would like to see this become some sort of an income in the near future as I will be coming off mat leave in 4 months. Which means no income. Which means that unless I get my butt in gear (not sure I could get any faster), I will be handing out resumes to find a crap ass minimum wage job to come up with an extra $600 a month just so we balance. Which means I won't be with my kids, I will be paying someone else to look after them. I will be re-entering the work force after being at a full time steady job, that I loved for 6 years.
I would love to make a go at this blogging/Etsy thing but I don't know how to get there. Not having support from someone you love makes it incredibly hard. Although they say the support is there, why is it so difficult for me to see?
I had big plans for this blog for 2012. Right now they seem like far away dreams though...
Sorry I'm such a downer, I just had to get some of these feelings out. It probably doesn't even make sense. I just feel like a big ball of poo. Hopefully I can get back on track, but for now I am going to be taking a little hiatus until the New Year. I think that in order to figure things out my computer has to shut off, my pretty little blog makeover will be left in an unfinished mess and my inbox will over flow with emails. But it has to be done. I will get back to each and every one of you, I promise. Don't worry sponsors, I will get your ads up in time for January and for the rest of you, I will be back, and better then ever...:) Cross your fingers for me.