Monday, August 27, 2012

Embracing My Journey

This was a previous post that I wrote for Baxtron {Life}... but just in case you missed it...

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After over 10 years of working in the Fashion/Retail industry and deciding to be a SAHM shortly after having my 2nd son, I started looking at myself differently. I was wondering what made me~ ME~ or what defined ME. It's funny how having kids made me wonder who I had been this whole time. Not in a bad way of course, I love my kids and they mean the world to me. But they have made me question who I truly was, or who I truly wanted to be, and what I wanted in return. For the first time in my life it was just me and two kids, while my husband worked the nine to five grind. That left little room for quality ME time but I often found myself feeling very alone. Adult interaction was very limited unless you counted the daily phone call to my best friend and emails. The truth was that in addition to post partum blues, feeling fat, and having a brand new baby and toddler, I was a bit lost without having a 'real' job. I had never really felt that my job had defined me, but once I didn't have it, I felt a little naked without it. For instance, I usually would have  answered the 'what do you do?' question pretty comfortably. My response would have been simple, I'm a Store Manager for a small retail company. That would get the conversation flowing as to what we sold, blahblahblah... But now, when people ask what I do now, what do I tell them? I'm a SAHM/Blogger/Shop Owner/Photographer/Graphic Designer?....the list could go on and on....LOL...and I tend to shy away from telling them my lists of things I do. {Because honestly, I do way to many things and quite often not all of them are done to the best of my ability. But, maybe that is just one of my flaws..I like to be busy! I am also the worst self promoter ever!} So I usually end up saying nothing, that I am just a SAHM. The conversation, unless it's with other moms, usually ends there...Because really, who would find that interesting? Who would care that my kids and I color, go to the park and I clean up pee on the floor. 

I think I struggle with putting a label on myself. Or rather what my career path is and where I ultimately will end up. I am an instant answer person, so the journey thus far has been a bit of a headache but definitely a  learning experience...
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I can think of a million things that would be cool to do, but how long would I enjoy it? I guess like most things, marriage for instance, it's all fun and games in the beginning but then it takes a bit of work to keep the fun and excitement there. I suppose just like a new job would feel? Exciting and new and then bam! You wake up doing the same routine thing for the rest of your life. I don't want that. I don't ever want to lose the passion that I have for what I do everyday. Ideally, what I want is something easy {doesn't everyone!} something that doesn't take time away from my kids, something that I don't feel pressured to do and that cures the hankering I have to just create and of course make money!!!

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Maybe I am being selfish? Maybe I shouldn't be taking this time to figure things out while my husband works his butt of at work? Maybe I need to squash my passion {whatever it is} and figure it out later? After all, life is the journey, right? Do I need to have it all figured out now? Or should I embrace this journey called self discovery and find the path that will take me to the place that I have been longing for...?

Do you know what your passion is?

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4 comments:

Ashlee @ Laugh with Ash said...

I think we're on the same wave-length with this one. The transition from super busy workaholic to SAHM was such a hard one for me. I caved and went back to work after a year, but now with tour 2nd due soon, I don't know whether I want to stay home for a bit again or go back to work right away. ahh.

Michaela {au naturel design} said...

I think a lot of us start to feel that uncertainty as we get older as we maybe thought our future would be different. I'm not at the mom stage in life yet, but I'm seeing already there are some things I want to do in life for myself that I'll regret not doing. I've got to start taking some risks and putting my happiness first. All the best.

If Youve Seen My Mind...Id Love It Back said...

I have experienced the same thing. After years of staying home with my son, I found myself asking the same question: Who am I and what do I want out of life? I, too, love being a mom, but have discovered that I need more personal fulfillment. That means using my brain and getting away from the isolation of being 'Mom' once in a while. I'm a much better mother and wife when I work on my well-being. It is so nice to hear another mom talk about the same struggle because I can empathize. And I don't think enough women talk about it.

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