Randomness & Where I am Now

I feel as though my posts have been scattered and neglected lately. I know I announced a couple weeks back that I was cutting back to fully appreciate the simple things and figure out what was missing and as much as I have loved having all of the fabulous ladies guest posting lately...I've missed writing. Actually writing. I got to spend some time chatting with a new friend on Skype yesterday and it was really nice.There really isn't anyone I could just say 'hey, bring your kids over and let's have coffee and chat' or even someone local that I could talk about blogging with, to run ideas by and get inspiration from and vice versa. Most of my really close friends live far enough away that we can't just pop over and say hi. One of my biggest things growing up was that I always wanted that 'Friends' connection when I 'grew up', like having your best buddies live next door and they just drop in before breakfast or on their way home from work. Where we all hung out at the same coffee shop. Where everyone knows your name...( I know that you just sang that aloud!!!)

Which brings me back to my blog. This is where I get that feeling. Like by writing and getting your comments and feedback, I'm getting that 'friend connection.' So, basically, without writing, I wasn't getting my fix. LOL!

I've been doing a lot of soul searching this past month. Wondering what I should be doing. Where I fit in? Who I want to be? It wasn't the mom or wife part of my life that I was questioning...that part is great. It was the creative part, the 'me' part of it.

While I did realize discover a few things about myself, like...

I am a perfectionist in some areas and in others I could care less.
I'm also really hard on myself for not being able to do it all.
I function better when I've had a shower and a coffee.
I am a instant gratification person-if it takes longer then a hour to accomplish something, then I'm done. Frustrated and so on to the next thing, LOL!
I hate waiting for other people and would much rather do it myself.

The one answer I was looking for was the answer to what I wanted to be...when I grew up...

Once I turned down the opportunity I had of returning to work Full Time in a similar position that I had when Westyn was born, my mind started into overdrive of how things were going to be once my maternity leave ended (in two weeks-eek!). Financially we would be ok, not great, but ok. But I was at a loss as to what I wanted to do. Because if financially things were ok, then why couldn't I do something I really loved? But what? I asked myself this day in and day out. To some of you this would be easy. But for me, I love doing lots of things! Painting, photography, blogging, graphic design, making 'stuff'...and that's where the problem began. I couldn't focus on one thing. I was overwhelming myself with inspiration, projects, blogging and then with our kitchen reno in full swing, I was on overdrive! I think somewhere along the lines I burnt myself out.

Why am I in such a rush to figure life out? To have all the answers?

So I took a step back and clicked the shut down button on my computer. That first 'unplugged' weekend was great, I felt rejuvenated. I also realized that those little moments I enjoyed with my computer off were flashing by me on a daily basis. Not to mention that things I could actually get done in an hour with the computer off! I got my camera out and started taking photos of the simple things. I started playing on the floor with my kids without saying 'just a second' and going for walks (it definitely helped that the weather was really warm here for a few weeks!) I kinda let go of all the questions I had about myself and where I was going and what I wanted to do.

And you know what. The world didn't come to an end. No one cared that I didn't know exactly what I wanted to be or exactly where I had to go. In fact, I think I was happier not even worrying about it. It wasn't totally out of my mind, but it wasn't my priority either.  Maybe I'm not meant to get my answers now. And maybe I'm not ready to fully believe that I can't have them yet either...I have no idea... It's like the saying 'life happens when your waiting for something else'...or something along those lines.

In my first post of 2012 I stated that I wanted a more balanced life. That and a more Simple life. It only took me until the end of March to actually make steps towards that, haha.  So, ya..I don't have answers yet. I don't know what I want to do. I know that I have to stop being the over compulsive control freak that I can sometimes be.  And I know that I like to blog. And eat chocolate. And I know that if only I could get ahold of myself to laugh when in the middle of being frustrated, everything would be ok. And that I love my kids. And my husband-I know he's pretty cool too. I also know that I am a photoshopaholic...

Maybe this is all I am supposed to know right now.